Happy creepy Valentine's Day, Zooey Deschanel

Dear Zooey Deschanel,

Hi. You rock and I think you're really great. Like really really great. Like, if we were Facebook friends, I would comment incessantly on all your pictures and poke you back way too fast after you poked me. Like creepy stalker fast. Do you want to see the pictures I made of us on Morphthing.com? Our hypothetical kids will be very attractive!

I saw your concert in Minneapolis. Some guy up closer to the stage handed you a rose and I was like, "Man. That jerk." He totally stole the idea that I thought of as he was stealing it. So lame. You played a kickass tambourine, though. I can play that instrument too! We should jam sometime. Cover some Beatles or something. I dunno. Just let me know when you're free, alright?

Oh, I also saw you in The Happening. You did a bang-up job in that movie. Seriously, very stellar. I can't believe that jerk Mark Wahlberg didn't commit suicide, though. That almost wrecked the film for me. He was so annoying. He totally didn't deserve your film love. He probably wouldn't even set up his cell phone to get Facebook alerts so he could return your pokes as quickly as possible. One question, though: could trees really do that? I'm very scared to go outside these days and would appreciate a speedy response.

In conclusion, you are awesome, and we should hang out and play some PS2 with my roomie on Saturday. I hope you like Mortal Kombat Deception!

Your most muscular fan,


cool as folk said...

LMFAO best letter I've ever read. Seriously. I can't stop laughing. Bravo.

Jacklaw said...

She hasn't written back yet :(