Bear Alert Level Raised To Orange

While watching the news just now (as I do each night, for I am an informed and responsible young adult), I saw a story about how the number of bears found in Wisconsin has grown considerably in recent years. Then they showed a short video clip of a bear climbing a tree.

That's right.

A bear climbing a tree.

Now, don't think I'm unappreciative of the fact that the news is running stories that aren't about the economy, Iraq, murder-suicides, or whatever else is thought to be good storytelling these days. In fact, I'm a huge fan of bears in general, and am pretty stoked that they're getting a little media coverage. However, some people still don't know that bears kick ass, and as such, I think it's horribly unethical to suggest that the idea of a bear climbing a tree, especially an adorable black bear, is in any way less than completely dominant.

I remember having the same thoughts back in the mid-1990s, when there was something in the news every other night about how Mortal Kombat was too violent. It was especially annoying to me because they always did stupid stuff like calling characters the wrong names, proving that they didn't even really know what they were talking about. Same thing with bears, man. I mean, yeah, bears can be vicious and bite joggers' faces off and stuff, but is that all anyone sees when they look at these gorgeous creatures? Bears are also kind, gentle, majestic, attractive, generous, witty, and creative. And a photo of a bear climbing a tree, heroically struggling against society's preconceived notions of where a bear should typically hang out, should be a required picture in the wallet of every man, woman, and child. We could all learn a little something from these Christ-like beings that have come to Wisconsin not to take, but to give. Bears exist only to give, be it in the form of in hilarious mascot costumes, YouTube videos of vicious grizzly attacks, or providing people who go to the zoo something to look at.

I think Bus Driver Stu from The Adventures of Pete and Pete said it best: "Nobody wants to be a bus driver when they could be a bear!"