Consider the following

For ages, the thing that most noticeably separated mankind from the animals has been his participation in the Olympic Games. Animals simply do not possess the mental agility to understand what the meaning of true competition is, nor the discipline to begin training their offspring at a ridiculously young age for timeless events like gymnastics, the 400 meter hurdle, or the shot put.

Another category that animals fall tragically short in is mental cognizance. An animal couldn't, for instance, describe in an abstract but all-encompassing manor the physical appearance of a person, including the vibes he or she gives off. It is for this reason that I believe the "completely describe someone using just one sentence" game should be inducted into the Olympic Games as an official event in the year 2012.

Since not everyone is familiar with this game, I'll give a brief description and explanation for how it came to be. See, by my house, there's a PDQ that has several kooky characters working at it. There's Army Guy, Jesus, Old Guy, "The Guy," the Angry Lady, and finally, Looks Like He Just Watched Every American Pie Movie Five Minutes Ago Guy. That last one, LLHJWEAPMFMAG, was previously known as Enthusiastic Blonde Guy until I realized one night while kickin' it with Willy that I could completely describe the part-time convenience store clerk using exactly one sentence. The new name I gave to LLHJWEAPMFMAG is mathematically flawless in describing his physical features, personality traits, and the overall impression he leaves on customers, covering everything from his slightly outdated front-spiked hairdo to his cheesy, eternal grin, to the way he looks like he's just dying to quote Stiffler but has no opportunity to do so in an comedically appropriate way.

The game isn't even very difficult, and would therefor be just the chance the average American with aspirations of Olympic glory has been waiting for. It can be done in as few as a couple words, or it can be accomplished with a massive runon that ties together all sorts of disjointed pop culture references. For instance, one could say that James Brolin "looks like an obsessive, pill-popping fugitive with chopped up bodies in his fridge and tar in his eyebrows" and receive a series of near perfect marks. Of course, the quality of the descriptions given by players can sometimes be subjective, so the highest and lowest score given by the panel of judges would be thrown out.

I know new games and events are probably suggested for inclusion in the Olympics every other day, but I think this one has real merit. You wouldn't have to extensively train for it, nor be in peak physical condition. You probably would have to be up to speed on the vast majority of famous people, but any idiot with an internet connection could have that under control. So please: consider the preceding and show your support for the completely describe someone using just one sentence game in 2012. Thank you.

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